Saturday, July 7, 2018

1156; My Eyes Area Stung After Writing This

Bismillah.

Warning: very random storyline

My blog posts these days have been sort of emo-ish maybe because I don’t have any other places to rant to. My twidder account was locked and I am not really a fan of Facebook, hence I now just keep every single thing to myself. Intagram’s kinda hard too because you can see who viewed your stories and I’m afraid these people I see will judge me... 

Well not that I don’t have any friends or family to talk to, it’s just that I know they have been through a lot too so I reckon it’s best to not add more burden to their shoulders. 

Talk about friends, I had splendid days in Shah Alam last week thanks to Erna, Hadina, Pie & Megat. As much as I was in awe of them as individuals, I can’t help but be amazed by how this friendship is slowly becoming like a marriage- arguments after arguments but we still come back for each other. Interesting.

Anyway, I had the hardest goodbye last week with the geng that I cried from Shah Alam to Johor. I just don’t know when can I meet them again. As much as I want to be with them without burdening them too much, I couldn’t afford going there too many times too. 

On the same day, I got a news that my uncle was admitted to the ICU. Arrived from Shah Alam during zuhur and after asar terus gerak hospital. People came out from the ward crying and all so I kept having to look at other places to avoid myself from bursting into tears... I told my aunt I couldn’t go in to see him because I was just too sad. Conclusion is, I was a complete mess on that day.

Yesterday I went to the hospital again, and had the courage to go into the ICU to see my uncle. It was just devastating to see him unconscious like that. Cik Lah told me to whisper anything to his ears but all I could do is stand still in front of the bed and cry. Man with this tissue heart, I could never become a doctor or even a nurse.

Semoga Cik Yie mudah sembuh & mudah sedar amin! May good news reach our ears amin!

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Kulai

Thursday, June 28, 2018

1155; Guide Me

Bismillah.

It’s too noisy down here. Time to hear what the sky says.

Down at the lowest point,
1048
Kulai.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

1154; Yunus

Bismillah.

Indeed, Allah does not wrong the people at all.
But it is the people who are wronging themselves.

One who stopped,
1108,
Kulai.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

1153; Just Another Roller Coaster Day

Bismillah.

1. It's half past 2 am now and my jet lag still hasn't recovered so I'm pretty much wide awake.

2. Right after my millionth work has been rejected, I sat down and calmed myself by watching Running Man's latest episode, made myself megi asam laksa and tell myself I should recover myself through writing something.

3. Only God knows how I was so so so hyped up about all this and started preparing since the first day I got this task but people just strip my motivation off.

3. Talk about rejection, I hope soon I'll get used to being rejected coz I tell you the amount of times I've been through this pain.. from scholarships to job applications to the things I worked hard for... never mind. Pain isn't real unless proven otherwise kan haha. Damn tiberrr crying.

4. Last night while I was doing witr, a lady who prayed next to me sujud a bit too long and I was sure she was crying. My heart instantly prays to Allah to grant her wishes. She must've really wanted what she prayed for. Understood.

5. Anyway, yesterday I made this doa to Allah, 'Ya Allah I only wish for two things tomorrow. Please grant these wishes', and today He granted them all and I was soooo so happy! At least I still have Allah who don't reject me. And one of the doa is so that one of my application won't get rejected and it didn't! That's the happy part of my day hehe.

6. Oh andddd, today I dUCk-ed Ibu and she was so so happy. I swear I live for that smile.

7. Up till this paragraph, I am still constraining myself from the number one reason I suddenly write this post. See I'm now good at hiding things.

8. About hiding things, I thought I hid my sadness well when I came back home to no-more-salam-nenek the other day. Okay I'm stopping that right there.

9. Nowadays I'd usually tell myself and other people that I'm not trustworthy. It's actually saddening how I have to put myself that way but... just because.

10. Tenth point is probably to say that 'I tried & I'm still trying'. Nothing much, I just hope people know how much I tried. It's just that I'm human & I fail. Things change. It's never that I give up, I just need more time to try.

All teary,
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Kulai

Thursday, June 7, 2018

1152; Pain Is Not Real Unless Proven Otherwise

Bismillah.

I don't know why but I have lots of people coming to me, crying while opening up about their life and hardships- even friends from back in the school days come to me to ask for advices and all these while I just thought they just needed something good to hear. So I did that. Well maybe I did good about the 'advicing' part but what they don't know was I could never relate to what they were feeling. There were always times that I'd go, why do you cry over something so small like this?

I always thought I can endure pain much better than the person who's bedridden in the hospital. It's all about the mindset, says someone who has never been admitted to the hospital.

Not until one day, Allah gave me a headache on the day of my examination. I swear I was all healthy before going into the exam hall and the second I flipped over the first page of the exam paper, headache started attacking and my mind was all over the place. I can't even remember what I did for that paper, but let's just hope everything will be okay. Right after the exam ended, I ran back home, vomitted 'liquids of nothingness' from my stomach, had some sleep and woke up few hours later thinking 'itu baru sakit sikit'.

I can not relate to a person who just lost a family. They are in good place, we shall move on sooner or later I said. 

So one fine day, without any alarms, Nenek left us. I learnt that people who just lost a family do need encouraging words like 'they are in good place' but never ever ask them to move on. You can never move on from loving people you love so dearly. Perhaps the best thing I wish I have when I heard the news was a hug and a shoulder to cry. No words, just a hug. So there's a tips for you.

I don't understand why people get depressed over small small things. Come on you are stronger than this.

Then one very small problem had me wanting to hurt myself. If before this I do not understand why people cut themselves if they were depressed, now I do. That one small problem had me pulling my hair (not literally), constantly grinding my teeth and biting parts of my body just because I wanted my mind to not focus on what's lingering in my head but focus on my aching body. (I'm all okay now no worries hehe).

...

I came to a conclusion that pain is not real unless proven otherwise. Good thing about being able to be in a person's shoes even for a while is that your prayers for them becomes more genuine- like you really prayed that they recover from their pain and want them to not feel what you've felt before, not even the slightest.

To all that I have hurt before by belittling your pain, I am very, truly sorry.

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Kulai