Thursday, December 31, 2015

945; Honesty


I learnt honesty the hard way; the heart-smashing-to-the-rock way. I once lied about someone so innocent, leaving her looking so bad in the eyes of another. There's no way back fixing the stories (yes, stories). Call me coward, it took me years to admit that I lied. And am still counting years.. 

Not saying that I never lied but, I honestly suck at lying. People notice it right away in my face when I lie so it leaves me with no other choice than being honest or twisting my words (which also turns out bad). 

I've been keeping my keep-it-as-honest-as-possible attitude for long but people kept messing with it. Even in the first semester in UiTM, people lied to me just so many times. Even if it's for jokes, it's heartbreaking every single time. It's like, putting so much trust on someone and they end up toying it. 

Those 'mildly rebellious' things they do in college like taking 'kupon kolej' when they don't attend the event (only UiTM students know) or bringing toasters/ rice cookers to college or only registering one or two 'barang elektrik' when you have so many; I can't do that. Even when no one else knows, I can't even lie to myself. I always thought, "Duduk kolej ni, biar Allah redha." I don't know about you, but this is a very serious matter to me.

I dont care being called 'lurus bendul' coz I know me being me, I trust other people so easily. Even when I could see he/ she is lying, I keep listening to their stories, telling myself, 'He must be telling the truth. Trust him'. Life's always a karma. I don't lie to people with hopes that in future my husband won't cheat on me over another woman, my children won't lie to me about something bad they did or my colleagues won't use me for money. 

As easy as a tongue can speak out a word, it can also hurt as easy. I can still remember being taught in Pendidikan Agama Islam class at school, that 'antara dosa- dosa besar adalah menipu & berbohong'. Yes, the easiest 'dosa besar' that any human could ever do. The one you could do in split second, and the regret may cost a lifetime. 

I just.. couldn't afford another regret.

(As saint as this post might make me look like, it's obviously a lie if I say I never lied.)


-finally a long post at the very last day of 2015-

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