1571; Syawal 8- Stress-Cleaning

Bismillah.

Yesterday I have been working all day long on a Saturday and it kinda stresses me out. Once, in between doing work I vacuumed the whole house so H asked if my work is already done. I told her, "belum, berhenti kejap sebab saya stress sangat". I wasn't kidding when I said cleaning IS my stress-coping mechanism😂

I was just glad work was done by yesterday coz I really don't wanna drag it up till Sunday. Weekend pooper! I think my brain got so tired with all the thinking that I did yesterday that i slept sooo well after isyak.

Today, after cooking kuetiau goreng for housemate's and neighbour's breakfast, I wanted to clean the big window that we have at home. I have been meaning to do that since forever, it's just that work has been overwhelming. I've already got excited to clean it because I got a bundle of newspapers from the office. If you don't know already, newspapers are like magic to sparkly glass and windows😍

H saw me putting on my tudung sarung and brought a pail of water, cloth and newspapers to the balcony. She then said, "ahhh, Faqihah finally enjoying her weekend." hahahahah. This girl knows me so well. 

No more dusty window!

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1570; Syawal 6- It Doesn't Stop Here

Bismillah.

Nenek passed away quite a few years ago when I was in UK and I remember crying while going to class that day, forced myself to act unaffected in front of classmates, only to come back home to continue crying again.

Last week I was sitting alone in the sofa, doing some very random thoughts (more to termenung, tbh) and suddenly it came to me how I could actually meet Nenek again in the hereafter. 

I know... veeeery random. I dont even know how that came about my mind too...

But really, if I think about it again, I've witnessed Nenek being a good wife, mother, grandmother and most importantly a good muslim so there's a big possibility that she could end up in the Heaven. So in order to meet her, I have to be in heaven too...

I might've sounded funny in this post but hmm idk this random thought had me so hopeful. At least I could hug Nenek tighter the next time I meet her. At least the next time someone leaves me again, I wouldn't be devastated for so many years. Or if I leave them one day, they could pray that they could meet me again in some faraway future.

Afterall, life is a journey, and so is death.

//

"Best kan, bila perspektif hidup kita tak terhenti pada dunia?"

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1569; Syawal 5- The Smile

Bismillah.

T always comes home very tired almost everyday but despite her tiredness, she could go on and on talking about how work stresses her out hahaha. Once she went non-stop complaining about her day for straight 30 minutes and I was actually in awe hahahah coz I could never talk that much! 

I'd always just let her vent them out because at least it eases her day. Plus, all I needed to do is just to be there to listen to her.

Today I've told my housemates that I'll cook for our buka puasa because it wasn't a really tiring day for me and I thought I could've gone back home early at 5-ish but  nOoooo, work just had to hold me down an extra hour in the office.

So at 6pm I rushed back home, arrived maybe 10 minutes later, performed solat and straightaway started cooking. Quickly I prepared kari udang, telur dadar, bergedil, sambal kicap with air Ribena bonus. By the time I almost finished cooking everything, it was only 7pm! Whewww talk about efficiency- although I had to credit H for helping me cook the rice and T for preparing frozen bergedil the night before.

Hmm, I really don't know where to go from here. 

Today wasn't really a good day at the office- with several breakdowns for no solid reason (no worries I think it's just hormones) but cooking for the people I care made it so much better, especially when I saw T's smile right after she came back home, seeing the food prepared on the table. Hey it wasn't the stressed face today but a smile.

"Awak dah makan ke?"

"Belum, nanti jom makan sama- sama."

And another smile.

//

Semoga selalu jadi orang yang sentiasa menyenangkan.

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1568; Syawal 3

/warning: a pretty much random & aimless post/

Bismillah. 

I'm here just because #bored. The boredom starts early coz after subuh I went cleaning the house again but this time focusing on the veeeery icy fridge ugh. By the time I've done all the house chores (except the fridge because I wanted to defrost it first), it was only 9.30am whewwww here goes another boring day I guess. 

Anyway yesterday I went out with IS and her housemates and going out never felt THAT illegal. My highschool friends must've been so proud if they knew I've been doing illegal things these days hahaha. 

Also there was one time in IS's car, I realised that my breathing went fast again after so long and my hand was anxiously clenching the seat- ahhh just when I thought I've properly moved on😒. I think the familiar smell of IS's car triggered some painful memories... coz before this it was few times that I silently cried in her car without her knowing lol. Also umm heartbroken songs playing non stop along the journey? Not helping!!

Ah, sokay I'll go through that like I've gone through anything else ehe. Being weak is so tiring k, malas lah nak layan sesedih (although it was unintentional sometimes haha).

Oh, T went back home just now so yeayyy not alone anymore!! Although tbh it doesn't feel as lonely as I thought it would be, thanks to IS and her housemates for always welcoming and ajak-ing me to join them at their house. Ahhhh bless them beautiful souls! 

Other than them, bless H, S and everyone else who asked me if I'll be okay alone in the house for raya and for offering me to go raya at their house. I feel soooo loveddd haih what did I even do to receive everyone's warmth :((((

And finally, the highlight of yesterday was probably the video call with tok mek, thanks to Cik J! Rinduuuuuu! Of course the killer question of 'tok nikoh lagi ko?' is there haha but sokayyy it doesnt sadden me anymore so I just laughed it off.

Yeap, that's so much of randomness in a post. If you even read it till the end, you really are my fan😂

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1567; The Most Genuine Raya Photo

Bismillah. 

24 mei 2020

Like other normal people on hari raya, I was scrolling through raya posts and stories... but then came across this scene from a new friend's story. 

In the midst of people chit- chatting and laughing with each other... suddenly there's me at the back, probably in my own world, smiling all to myself. Realizing that in between the food that aunty J gave to me, there was an envelope together with it. For a second I thought it was duit raya but when I opened the envelope, it was something so much better than duit raya- it was a letter from my family. 

In this scene, it could've probably captured me smiling to myself but what it couldn't is the tears that shed together with it, just because I was so touched. Since 2009, it's kind of a personal tradition that I'll get a letter from my family if I couldn't be home when I really wanted to. I've got a few during my homesick days in STF, few when I was living in the UK, and up till now, even when I'm already just few hours away from them but separated by some nasty virus. 

But hey, 2020 really taught me a lot about love and sacrifices, and I appreciate the lesson a lot. 

Anyway, putting this picture here just because number 1, I wanted to remember this weirdly beautiful eid and number 2, I think this is the most genuine photo I've had for raya. 

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1566; Syawal 2- To Forgive

Bismillah.

This morning I saw something that could've made me go very sad again. It could've. But it didn't.

I swear the two-month-ago me would've cried non-stop with buckets of tears. Although honestly the present me got a liiittle bit sad inside, at least I didn't cry ehe. Some pujuk words inside my head telling myself, 'hey, it's totally okay' and some pats on my shoulders- and then I'm all good.

Few minutes being all cool with the situation, I went, 'geez how come am I THIS strong now?' hahaha.

I guess it's the magic of the word 'forgive'- something that I've been teaching myself a lot lately. Forgive even when you didn't hear the word 'sorry'. Forgive even when you don't know what or where the wrong is. Forgive without wanting to know what the other person did you wrong. Forgive when it is very hard to forgive. Forgive even when that person has done wrong a million times- forgive for the 1,000,001st time.

I absolutely know it isn't going to be easy but I promise you all those things build a strong character deep within. I guess it's all about making peace with yourself. Making peace with the fact that it is Him who has carved your path and it is solely up to us to choose how to react to the path.

Nobody is gonna tell me this but ahhh I am sooo, so proud of myself. Ish sukalah stwong macam ni! /pats own shoulder/

//
"Don't forget to forgive yourself too."

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1565; Syawal 1- It's Eid... I Mean, It's Eid!

Bismillah.

Yesterday I took my own sweet time cleaning the whole house from 11.30am till 5.30pm. Transferring spices and flours into tupperwares and labelling them, dusted the house, changed bedsheet, did laundry, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning the toilet- ahhh I swear time flew just like that.

I always stress-clean whenever something bothers me but I was denying the 'stress' part for quite some time. I really didnt think I was stressed out or anything. Maybe I was just... distracting myself?

Okay okay, let's be real. As much as I tell people (and myself) 'I'm okay' with having to raya alone this time, it took a lot of effort to really be 'okay'. From cancelled leaves to cancelled flights... But hey, i did it because i stwong girl k.

Funnily last night I cried so bad while listening to the takbir raya up to the point that suddenly I went asking myself, 'dah kenapa pulak sedih sangat sampai macam takkan boleh balik je lepas ni?', and had a very good laugh at myself hahaha. Yeap, imagine the ugly laugh-with-tears-in-my-eyes face. Aaaaa the weird things MCO did to you! 

BUT today I was sooo so happy alhamdulillah! Seriously. Very happy that the moment I went back home from raya-ing almost the whole day at IS's house, I've been chanting, 'thank you Allah, I'm sooo happy today. Thank you thank you thank you!' 

Bless all these beautiful people who treated me so nicely and made me feel so accepted (although I was the only one who wasnt a part of IS's house). Bless aunty J for the thoughts of giving me her lontong jawa all the way from Bukit Antarabangsa. Bless my family who took time to write an MCO Raya letter for me and the video call with the whole clan. Bless the people who treated me nicely today although I've never met most of them before. Ah bless everyone lah conclusionnya!

My smol heart feels so full because of all these people!🥺❤

//

24 mei 2020, with some retro feels coz i just feel like it.

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