1657; Pregant, Preganate, Pegrananante

Bismillah.

W6 - 22/7/2024, Mon
The ambitious me wants to blog every single day of pregnancy but the fatigued, constantly tired me couldn't have the energy to even think about it. Hoping to write more short notes- don't wanna regret not doing it later!

Today work was tiring with preparing inputs for parliament questions. Almost didn't eat lunch today coz 1) appetite is still meh and 2) had to work through lunch hour. Finished my nasi & kari daging 2 ketul (felt scammed) anyway coz u know, gotta eat for the baby.

No cramping for today alhamdulillah, mood was also okay. Appetite came back during dinner, super bloated over 1 burger crispy lol. Also, had this weird craving for Luqman's smell, which neither of us are complaining!

W7, 27/7/2024, Sat
Honestly can't write everyday... I'm just tired... Mama kata normal lah tu, baby is taking up the good stuffs in my body. Maknya yang jadi lesu. Also slowly noticing changes to my body... belly is sticking out more... and honestly can't blame the baby. Baby is still small kot...

Appetite is still meh... the thought of any food makes me wanna puke. Tongue constantly feels bitter- learnt it was called dysguesia. Sounds like whatever it means.

Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah for Luqman, ibu, ayah & adik. After maghrib I told Luqman I wanted chocolate milk. He immediately got up and made me exactly that, from scratch. Adik, who proudly calls himself Appacu now, cooked nasi goreng for the family coz I told them I'm too tired to cook today. Ayah fried ayam goreng, which I was sad I couldn't eat much today. Nasi goreng & ayam goreng was honestly superb.

W7, 28/7/2024, Sun
Tak termampu ya nak masak sebab fikir makanan je dah boleh bayang bau dia and rasa nak wek wekkk. I am constantly either 😷 or 🤮. This is just a phase... hopefully not too long of a phase. Rabbi yassir wa la tuassir rabbi tammim bil khair.

I skip all of food content on my fyp now. Looking at food now is a no no for me... Luqman must be happy I finally stop watching mukbang videos now. All my fav food doesn't seem tasty anymore. I now, weirdly, crave for lots of fruits- apples, watermelons, mangoes ahh sedapnyaaaa. I can already hear Dalillah and Dayana screaming "Kak Faqihah??? Suka buah???". Took a baby to get me to this.

W7, 30/7/2024, Tue

Ya Allah, sihatkan lah saya dan anak saya. Kembalikanlah selera makan saya supaya anak saya sihat. 

Macam ni rupanya perasaan mengandung. Macam biasa kita selalu invalidate diri sendiri dengan cakap orang lain punya morning sickness lagi teruk. Kalau Luqman tahu saya fikir mcm ni, dah boleh dengar dia cakap "don't talk like that to my wife". 

Sekarang ni memang selalu kiok tidur dalam 9.30pm. Takdelah buat apa sangat seharian, tapi terasa macam dah built-in perasaan penat ni dalam badan. Luqman macam biasa akan terikut dengan sleeping pattern isteri dia. Lah, siapa pregrant ni! 

Kita memang suka lah cakap pasal Luqman sebab dah suka enn haha. Haritu yang craving buah-buahan tu, lepas tournament basketball terus Luqman ajak dinner luar (sebab sis tak boleh masak or bau masakan), and pergi Giant utk beli fruits. Additional yogurt sebab teringin, which end up Luqman yang habiskan sebab perutku terlalu penuh. Syurga lah untuk suamiku.

1656;

Bismillah.

"Semalam saya sedih sangat, saya tak tahu nak buat apa. Saya doa sangat-sangat kat Allah supaya Allah bagi saya kekuatan untuk hadapi semua ni dengan akhlak yang terbaik."

1655; Dreams Reviewed

Bismillah.

Y'all wouldn't have expected that won't you? Me neither!

All Luqman ever told me before was only the last part of the dream, so I was expecting that the full story would be heartwarming and emotional- but I wasn't ready for THIS kind of thrill! I had good laughs from start to finish- but surely amidst all the actions, I could totally understand how this means a lot for us.

Agreed that it was 'super epic' as he would describe it >.< I might retire from writing if my husband is already this good of a writer. Can't wait for part 2!

Talk later, gotta fight some colourful LGBT zombies.

- Faqihah, Cheras

1654; Dreams

Yes, you read it right, dream(s). It was a month ago where I had 2 vivid dreams, which is extremely rare. The fact that I can remember it till today makes it very rare. Since there aren’t many space that I can explicitly rant (except to my bb), this would be the place that I can immortalize this piece of memory.

Disclaimer: its gonna be silly. Stop here if ur allergic to cringe haha.

Dream 1:

Bang!

So I smashed open a safe vault by tackling with my shoulder (pretty strong huh). The place that we were infiltrating was akin to a 30 stories prison dungeon and the vault is on the third level from the bottom. There, we ransacked the vault, looking for weapons to fight our enemies. 

“Skreeeee”

A hissing sound was heard from the door of the vault. An LGBT transgender zombie with colorful hair was crawling on the ground, looking to jump us. 

As it was jumping around the weapon vault, we tried to shoot him/her/them but it was quite quick on its feet. We began shooting and rays of lights could be seen everywhere, finally the crazy zombie was neutralized, but that was just the beginning. 

“Cepat, dorang dah sampai!” 

Shouted one of my comrade. 

We ran out of the vault only to notice that a swarm of LGBT zombies was sprinting from the first level and as they saw us, they tried to crawl up the wall and column of the building. Literally like cockroaches trying to eat you. The whole team rushed to the hallway and start raining down bullets towards those filthy vermin. Many was killed, as we surround them from above, keeping them from enroaching us.

Despite our firepower, another wave of colourful LGBT zombies came crashing down the main entrance. We had no choice but to retreat. As I ran, we regrouped with the ladies taking refuge above. There I met my wife again, she looked slightly pale and sick but the situation doesn’t allow for a sentimental reunion. We kept running.

She had the wife of Harith helping her supporting her running while I was watching the perimeter while running. I was curious of what happened but that need to wait.

After we passed through a long hallway connecting the two buildings, there was a meeting point that was separated by a glass door. There were already a few more people there and suddenly Ammar congratulates me.

It was so sudden. He congratulated me as he was handling a wrapped up baby onto my hands. I was speechless, emotions was overwhelming, I cant believe the miracle of life that was making its way within the apocalyptic chaos. And now I'm a father! Faqihah just delivered our baby! It was so touching and warmth bloomed from within. I simply cannot describe the feeling. It’s a bundle of pride, joy, love, care, sacrifice and honestly, its indescribable. 

Tears ran down my eyes..

And then I woke up. Looking at my lovely wife still sleeping soundly next to me. I hugged her, glad that it was all a dream. But I'm still thinking about it until this very day if there were any sign or meaning to such a vivid and detailed dream. 

But it doesn’t end here. There is a part 2.

To be continued…

Qman - Kulai 

1653; A Part of Me Was Gone

Yesterday was the day that a third of me was gone. The "Lu" of Luqman. 

It has been 10 years since the day I met you. I still remember the day, it was blurry and a bit hard to see (especially at night). And so I went to warta and there where we met miraculously. That was 10 years ago. How time flies thinking that a third of my life was together with you.

You were part of my identity. Truly people would recognize me only because of you. We went through thick and thin together. Sickness and strength. We've seen it all together, truly without you i would have seen nothing (at least nothing too far). 

But now times has changed. I have a new need for growth as I am now a grown man. My power is now reduced and I got astigmatism too (and actually I want to look like gojo n Morpheus). 

So here we are. Looking at each other with our final goodbye. As the train departs, I will always remember you buddy. You will always be in my spare glasses case, Lu. I will miss you.

Much love,

qman 👨‍🏫

1652; Writing again, with a partner

Bismillah.

Luqman has always told me that he needed to write it down somewhere whenever something happens in our lives or marriage, so today I told him:

"Sayang jom write sama- sama on my blog?!"

Because why not? I needed to catch up on my writing anyway- yall won't believe how many drafts I have just because I didn't have the will to write. Luqman has been THE walking blog I married to. I talk to him all the time, hehe bestest decision ever.  

I listen to him all the time too. And whenever he starts talking about physics or some newly found blackholes, well easy to say I get too comfortable... and unintentionally slept into his enthusiasm. It was fun.

Anyway story time. The last time we went back to Kulai, Luqman talked about how he dreamt about us having a baby boy. It was so real, intense and so happy he said- and I think I cried a little listening to him. So yeah, we're on our TTC phase now- really wanted kids on our own, but also super happy and in love being in each other's company too. Both ways, alhamdulillah. Doakan kami!

I guess that's it for now from me. Hope this is a new motivation to start writing again!

- Faqihah, Cheras.

1651; I Would Love to Come to Your Basketball Practices But...

Bismillah.

Yesterday was the day we ate out after quite awhile- last time was during our honeymoon in Penang. Planned to eat at Naili's Place but then realised it was just another overpriced cafe. 

"I tak pernah makan Marrybrown", he said- and to Marrybrown we go.

Ditched the car and walked quite a distance to Marrybrown, holding hands and taking our own sweet time... while he talks about how he really wanted me to teman him to his basketball practices.

It's not that I didn't want to, I would love to! I just didn't like the idea of being surrounded by a lot of tall guys around me while being the only awkward girl at the corner of the court. But he insisted that it wasn't the reason, so out of geram-ness I cubit his hand, and let off my hand.

He then quickly grabbed my hand again (which then soothed my heart by a lot) and went "alright you don't have to follow me to basketball practices okay. Tapi kalau I ada match datanglah eh."

"Okay yang tu boleh".

//

"Sorryyyy"

"Haha sebab cubit I tadi?"

"Haah... Sorry you kena banyak sabar dengan I."

"Allah, tak memerlukan kesabaran pun."

O' Allah please grant my husband all the goodness in the world and hereafter for he has been such a great husband to me🥺❤

- KL

1650; Ladies and Non-Ladies, The Husband.

Bismillah.

At 5.30am today I was 'forced' to wake up because I heard a loud thump in my head and it was painful at the side of my forehead. Milliseconds after that someone went "sorry, sorry I dreamt about cooking fried chicken..." and I thought to myself "and how does that justify the headbutt?" but couldn't bother asking for any explanations so I went back to sleep coz girl has to hit the next snooze button.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how my married life went this morning.

Luqman's action-packed-fried-chicken-dream aside, this man is also why I haven't written for so long (I can hear him saying "betul betul I salah lagi" with his very cheeky but redha face). I have always been by his side almost all the time and silently didn't want him to be out of my sight #clingy. Can't help it guys, he brings so much peace and calmness to my heart. Our relationship is nowhere near perfect but I feel like I'm the luckiest to have him to love all my life.

Here's to more car rides, random physics concept and malay vs western food debates together.

1741

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1642; To Love Again

Bismillah.

You really are in love already aren't you, Faqihah?

//

O' Allah, you know how hard I love when I'm in love but this time please let no love beats my love for You.

-KL

1649; Wedding Invitations

Bismillah.

"This month, 26th, I will be getting married insyaAllah."

It has been fun, alhamdulillah, inviting people to our virtual akad nikahs in around two weeks ahead /gulp/. Most were shocked by the fact that I sent an invitation out of nowhere, whilst never been seen (on at least social medias) with any guys. Yeah guys... I knew Luqman mid-March, met him first time in April and pandemic happens.

But come to think of it again, I'd unlikely post such things on social media, regardless pandemic or not lol.

Until yesterday, the best reaction I've received so far was from Sarabanon, a whatsapp group I have with my ex-roommates in UiTM. Yana and Piqah went 'WHAATT? FAQIHAH?? KAHWIN????' as if thinking I would never get married haha coz umm maybe... I was always the quiet one among them lol. On a different note, it feels good to talk to this loud happy bunch again.

Wishes and duas have been overwhelming from family and friends, which some had been so meaningful to me. Pie wrote a hell long of an essay and told me to read it 'nanti-nanti'. Of course that 'nanti' ended in just few hours, and I hope he'll never read this. Erna, I couldn't stop re-reading hers because it was so beautiful that I hope every single words she wrote comes true and comes back to her. Zahidah, Noreen and Najwa's made me went back to high school memories in a heartbeat- GPS, usrah, tukang urut... gahhh how time flies. And Shu, yeap definitely still neighbours insyaAllah but maybe not roommates anymore ehe.

I read every single wishes everyone wrote for me and Luqman, and it felt so warm to be showered by such sincere prayers from everyone. Like... you really took time to say these prayers for us? May all the good prayers comes back to every single one of you amin.

Allow me to selit an appreciation post for the one who has provided me the most support since the beginning, ibu and ayah.

It has been pretty hectic for the past few months with work, exam and marriage at the same time but they definitely have made it easier for me for arranging everything back in Johor. I might've been a bride-zilla monthsss earlier if it wasn't for them. May Allah grant ibu and ayah the highest jannah for the care and love they have provided for me since I was little, amin.

Okay, gotta study for my exam. As usual, doakan saya!

- Cheras

1648; To The Stranger I Wanted to Spend My Life With

Bismillah.

Honestly there has been few posts before this particular one and I think I'm just gonna archive them just because... they're a bit too umm personal(-ly cheesy). 

Yeah, I know. I can't believe it too. I fell in love again... after the dark period I've went through and the thousandth times I told myself I am never gonna be able to love again. 

But little did I know, fate had its better plans for me. 

This time, love doesn't hurt at all- which is truly an eye-opener. With this person, it was always warm, calm and easy. I wouldn't know love wasn't supposed to hurt if it wasn't for him. For some reason, meeting him has made me be at peace with my past. I thought, if I wasn't made, or forced to go through the pain over a more than a year ago, I might still be stuck in a toxic relationship, not being able to differentiate between love and manipulations. Talk about dodging a bullet.

If people were to ask why him when we got engaged, honestly I wouldn't know what to answer. At that moment I chose him because I trusted my prayers. I knew how sincere my prayers were and I held close to the fact that Allah will grant my prayers. I prayed hard to Allah that if we were really meant for each other's betterment, please make it easier for us. 

And it was so easy, in fact a little bit too easy. Allah made it easy, he (and all his efforts) made it easy, both families made it easy. And although still in the unknown of the future, I walked into the relationship with ease, and my heart at ease.

"Allah kan mengikut sangkaan hambaNya"

Days and months passed by and up till today, I might have a bit too many reasons why he is definitely the one to choose over and over again. I can never think of anyone who would go extra miles for a person like he does. The narrative now might've changed from 'is he worth it for me' to 'am I worth it for him'. Gahh just how do I keep up now.

Funny how life works sometimes. From a total stranger to someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. In the dunya and also the akhirah. Here's to 9 years till forever, insyaAllah.

//

Besok insyaAllah interview di pejabat agama & dapat tarikh nikah. Doakan kami!

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1647; I Didn't Know Love Was Supposed to Feel Like This

Bismillah.

"With him it was always warm, calm and easy. I wouldn't know love wasn't supposed to hurt if it wasn't for him."

Am I blessed? Yes I am.

//

Gahh I can't stop talking about this specific person can I? Y'all can definitely rate my happiness from just how little I write. Blog whutt?

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1645; Comfort

Bismillah. 

How can a person gives so much assurance, comfort and warmth at the same time? Am I lucky, yes I am.

-KL

1644; Blessings

Bismillah. 

I think this lockdown thing has taken away some portion of my 'chill'ness... The introvert in me is now craving for social interactions, wanting to go out plus with the amount of responsibilities that I have now, it's getting crazier day by day. Hence I think, it would be good if I start writing again. Slowly. Because I needed that escape.

So I'm back at my simple blessings post today:

1. I am grateful for my manager who asked if I am okay today (coz she's super worried that I lost 6kgs for no reason haha). 

2. I am blessed for Adik, for always being the clown of the family since forever (but I'm still the funniest). I had super good laugh on Whatsapp yesterday.

3. I am grateful for Ibu, for sending me video of Ayah and his mini golf range in the house. Rindu golf ke tuu? haha. Hopefully in the next few days, it would be happier for Ayah hehe coz something's coming his wayyy!

4. I am super grateful for Luqman, which of course I won't tell you why now. Soon, hopefully in the nearest 3-months-and-few-days (if I rajin).

5. Grateful for the job that I have- umm even though it's pretty stressing right now, I am glad there's still food on the table, roof on my head and of course, housemates because if not, it would be super stressing to live alone.

Das it. Hehe.

1643; Stack of Responsibilities

Bismillah.

That was stack... of an at-the-edge-of-burnout girl. Economics on top of Muntalaq on top of marriage preps on top of never ending work.

If I could ever get through all these altogether this year, I'd be mad proud of myself. But now I just need rest.

-KL

1641; Not For The 4th Time

Bismillah.

"Saya cuma tak nak hilang Tuhan lagi."

//

I lost God twice in my life. One time in 2018, another one in 2019 for around 4 months. At almost the end of 2020, few times that I asked Allah to just take my life. Okay maybe I lost God thrice.

When I say 'lost', by all means it was me who was against Him. He has always been there for me, always.

It was rough to have to rebuild yourself up from scratch- attaching piece after piece of yourself that was once shattered all over the place. And it was never a one-time thing for there were a gazillion times that I dropped shattering myself again. But if I were to thank the younger Faqihah, I'd tell her "thank you for never giving up on yourself although it must've been tiring".

The experience was obviously... bad. And 'bad' sounded so understated that it's almost an insult. Can't believe I'm saying this but as much as a bad experience it is, I am super grateful for I found my way back to God and now nothing else matters.

Today I passed a good news to Ibu, all smiling and laughing but at one point my eyes started welling up because... I did that?! A year ago, to breathe properly felt so impossible what even to heal but today I'm proud to say I passed through the dark phase already. 

And for sure this time I wanna make sure I don't lose God again.

- KL

1640; A Quest for the 'Spirit'

Bismillah.

This year, it's a bit different. 

On previous years, by this time I might have already set my Ramadhan goals, started my new routine early before Ramadhan and learn more on what this month is all about. Just the thought of Ramadhan makes me excited- the tarawihs, spending time to just read al-Quran, the iftar plans... all of those. Wasn't it has been an exciting month all along? 

This year, it's a bit different. I'm pretty much lost as to where to go right now. Ramadhan's just a few days ahead... and now what? I'm still at my lagha songs on Spotify, my Runningmans and Masterchef Canadas on my free time and my sleeps even when I'm not that tired. It doesn't sit right to me that I'm always doing that now but the urge to change is pretty low this time. 

I feel like it's gonna be pretty hard this year. My Ramadhan soul... or as B calls it, 'spirit', is nowhere to be found now. It might not come naturally this year, I might have to fake it till the end, I don't know and I hope not.

-Ramadhan T-9, KL.

1639; I Just Missed Writing, Nothing Much.

Bismillah. 

Today I just felt like writing again. I don't even have anything in mind... solely just felt like writing for no reason. Tbh I miss the write-y part of me, don't know what really went wrong. Maybe I was just busier? Or like a friend said, happier? Am not sure either.

Anyway I'll have to make another big decision next week insyaAllah. Previous decisions were kind of hurtful for I pretty much either hurt myself or the people I love. My istikharahs now goes beyond the prayer mat, talking and praying to Allah at the kitchen, bedroom, office... literally anywhere- just praying so that He doesn't leave me on my own, and with my own decisions, not even for a second or any period lesser than that.

- KL

1638; Talk

Bismillah.

Talk to Allah more, Faqihah. Talk to Allah more.

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1637; A Lazy 2020 Recap & 2021 Goals!!

 Bismillah. 

Has it been a month since shutting this blog off from the world? Uuu that was fast, I think I might do this occasionally. Why? Idk I just feel like it.

Have been in bed since morning doing nothing and just feels like accomplishing at least something smol today, hence here I am writing a very random post, most probably an aimless one but we'll see how it goes.

Everyone has been posting about their 2020 recap and I think I've done so much writing of that throughout the year that I don't feel like doing it anymore haha. Don't think I'm gonna go through 2020 so much in details again but to conclude, 2020 has been a big big blessing in disguise alhamdulillah. 

Some 3-days-into-2021 updates: office kinda 'prohibited' me to come to work so I sneaked back to Johor and spent 2 weeks working from home, without sacrificing any of my annual leaves, spent the new year with some chinese dinner with family, baby I & M are turning 4 this year and I think sooner or later I can't kiss and hug them anymore, bought an Ipad thanks to Adik's influence, had a candid picture of me and atuk together (which I have been dying to have for so long but think it's inappropriate coz he's sick) and yeah, happier alhamdulillah.

If 2020 was the year of lesson, I wanna make 2021 as the year of accomplishment insyaAllah. I'm getting excited reigniting some old passion that I left for so many years, finishing some things I started last year and planning ahead new things this year! That will include... /takes deep breath in/ to be happily get into arts again, to finish my juzuk 30 hafazans, weekly/ monthly Quran dates with friends, to read more books, to pass at least one professional paper, to have at least one business plan ready by the end of the year (coz yknow... me and my at-home-mother goals :p) and to be in a serious relationship (um, in which I have to find a good man first haha). InsyaAllah, insyaAllah, insyaAllah.

Uuuu I have hopes for 2021, excitidddd!. Learnt the hard way that plans are just plans until Allah says 'yes' so gonna work hard achieving those things bearing in mind that the outcome will be as what He says. So yeahhh, chill chill hehe. May this year be my year insyaAllah amin!

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